are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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