did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
