3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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