My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
