Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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