even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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