there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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