Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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