god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What a fucking waste of an outfit
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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