just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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