Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
