this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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