Will you blow on my dice?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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