A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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