I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
