just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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