can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
