Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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