Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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