happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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