If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
