Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
