making cat noises will not fix the situation.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
