I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
