It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
