Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
