Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
