You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
