drinking out of a sandbucket again
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
