Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
