He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
