your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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