LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
