laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
