my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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