don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
