Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
