i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
