I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
