Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
