My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
