I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
