i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
