She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
