I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
