so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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