hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
