everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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