my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i will never coherently bang her
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
