Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
